Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Inspired by a true story...

a couple is stuck in a darkly lit place like a crawl space, some items can be seen on top and below them, they are cuddling together.

W: I can't believe your roommate.
M: Well I did agree to the terms.
W: Yeah but he went way over board on this one.
M: Well I can understand his plight, I mean he is pretty lonely and so he doesn't like seeing other people making out.
W: He should be glad his best friend is happy.
M: Yeah. I mean I don't condone what he did, but when we first got the apartment we did agree to no making out in the front room.
W: Yeah but your room is so messy.
M: I guess I should just keep it clean cause at least this time we know he's serious.
W: Where on earth did he get one of these?
M: Australia I think.
W: Is this a sandwich?
M: Eew, that's gross, maybe he should be the one to clean up.

A light is seen from the top.

Voice: Have you learned your lesson?
M: Yeah, sorry Jeff, we won't make out in the front room again.
V: Alright.
W: Seriously Jeff, how on earth do you have a Magic Bag?

The screen is flipped upside down and the two fall out of the Bag.

End

Monday, September 29, 2008

2 Men and a beard

2 men in medieval garb are sitting enjoying a cup of some sort of drink in a house. One man has a beard.

Beard: How's the wife?
2: Oh she's great, she got a job as a seamstress.
B: That is good to hear.

They have a silent moment as they both take a drink.

2: I hear you've found a pretty nice job.
B: Oh yeah, it's an amazing job, I can work from home and I really don't have much to do.
2: That must be nice.

Another drink.

B: Yeah what with all the craziness going on out of town I'm sure the shipping business isn't going to well.
2: It isn't we actually lost someone the other day.
B: Terrible.

Another drink.

There is a knock at the door. The bearded man gets up.

B: Excuse me.

He goes and opens the door, a young spry man in green clothing holding a sword and shield is standing outside the door.

B: I am Error.

The bearded man closes the door. He goes to sit down when there is another knock at the door, he goes back opens it, the same spry man is at the door.

B: I am Error.

He closes the door and sits down.

2: That is amazing.
B: Best job ever.

End

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Cleaning duties

I had a dream last night in which one of those late night advertisements for some sort of cleaning solution was mixed into my cleaning duties at work. But it was also mixed with high school band stuff. Plus my job occurred in a parking lot.

So basically I had my high school band teacher explain my duties while showing me how a simple rub of his solution could get out any sort of stain.

My dreams, they be messed up.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Alvis

5 people all sit around a table wearing cloaks. There is some sort of design in the middle of the table. Candles line the room and the main guy has a book in his hands.

1: Tonight is the night in which we resurrect our God Alvis. It has been said that when the stars are aligned, the mortal ones will bring about the destructor. Here we are on this fateful day to bring you about.

They all start to chant and hold hands. They start to stand and the lights begins to flicker. The table shakes and a sound is heard.

1: Come to us Alvis we await as your faithful servants.

More moans as one of the 5 suddenly breaks the chain falling down, the lights go out. One of the five go over and turn on the light. The one who has fallen now has his head uncloaked and is sitting down reading a newsweek. He looks up from his magazine and says, "I am Alvis."

A: Thanks for ressurecting me.
1: We only live to serve you master.
A: Just so you know, you guys are dumbasses.

There is a painful silence.

A: Seriously did you honestly expect to summon a destroyer and leave with your lives? Don't you watch movies? You summon me, I am freed, I kill you all then go on my own murderous rampage.

Again a silence.

2: But we are here to serve you master.
A: You wanna serve me? Cook me some bacon and eggs, You, go to the store and buy US Weekly, You, go to the store and buy me some two ply toilet paper, I ain't wiping with one ply, and you, (He points at 1) I need you to commit some ritualistic suicide so that I can get some more points on my Xbox Live from Satan.

1: I live to serve.

He quickly grabs a knife and slices his neck falling to the ground.

A: Dammit, I didn't want you to make a mess. Go Go Go, looks like we're going to need a lot more two ply.

Everyone leaves the room.

A: Sigh.

Alvis stands up.

A: I should probably set up an eharmony account.

Fade to black.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The Visigods

Band is playing on stage. They are screaming into the microphone and everyone is having a good time. Cut down to two girls at the concert, the song ends and they look drenched in sweat and they look incredibly happy.

1: Oh I love these guys so much.
2: They really are rockin.
1: No I mean I really love these guys. I love The Visigods so much that I want them to have my babies.
2: I do too.

The next song starts.

Cut to the band finishing their last song. They walk off stage.

Guitar: Yeah that was a good show.
Bass: I agree, I think we really rocked them to another planet.
G: Shut up Barry.

They enter their dressing room to find the two girls.

G: How did you get in here?

1: Hey now we're just two of your biggest fans.
2: Yeah please don't kick us out.
G: Alright, I think you can party with us, what do you wanna do?
1: I would like you to impregnate me.

The band stops confused.

1: I want you all to impregnate me so I can have the ultimate Visigod child.

Even the other girl looks at her curiously here.

1: I want to have your babies, so please. Everyone get naked.

There's a pause.

G: Alright!

The rest of the band woo and everyone starts to get naked, the drummer closes the door.

End

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Death Of Superman

Screenplay

2 Doctors are doing an autopsy on superman who is dead on the table.

1: What do you suppose about the soul?
2: The soul? You religious now?
1: Well think about it, we've got someone like Superman here who is supposed to be invincible and he's dead, but let's say he comes back to life, does he still have a soul?
2: Now come on, no one comes back to life.
1: Jesus did.
2: So you are religious then?
1: Well I mean I guess I am, but I've never really gotten into it before, I've just been thinking about it lately what with superman being dead and all.
2: It is a shame, poor supes.

They both sigh and continue to go through his chest cavity.

2: What's this?
1: Hey, isn't that Kryptonite?
2: Yeah it's right next to his heart, it must have been injected.
1: No wonder he's dead. So do you think he'll gain his soul back?
2: That again? Look dude, we'll move the piece out, and he'll still be dead. Plain and simple.
1: I don't know man, he might jump up with his soul back and say, 'thanks for saving me fellas.'
2: I doubt it. Alright here goes.

They pull out the Kryptonite and Superman's torso jumps up.

1: See, i told you so.
Superman: Braiiiiins!

Superman looks at each man and uses his red eye beams to shoot each man, then jumps out of the shot onto one of them and you hear ripping and crunching and then slurping. Fade to black.

In Honor of the Volker

If you have not read his blog please go to my buddies blog.

http://volkerthefiddler.blogspot.com

I've decided because it would help me to exercise my writing and what not to follow suit to the pattern he is doing. At least as far as to post once a day. This post does not count as today's post. Though of course I won't be super serious about it, for that would lose the fun.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The Deletion Issue

It's been a long time coming but in the past week I have realized that I no longer enjoy one of the blogs in my reader. I won't say who's it is obviously but it's not yours. (I am fairly certain the person never checks my blog). This person posts a lot and never says anything of which I find to be interesting, in fact as time has gone on I've become more dejected for writing style and writing content of said blog. However, the problem lies in the feelings of doing such a thing. Deleting said blog from my reader feels like a permanent thing, I am fully acknowledging that this person has no more place in my life. Of course this person has never really had place in my life but it still feels like I am betraying something or someone unknown. Perhaps they were to find out, a possible conversation between me (J) and (T)hem could go thusly.

T: I understand you deleted me from your reader.
J: Yes but you must understand, your life is no longer relevant in my scope of understanding.
T: Is a ladybug not still relevant to it's surroundings even if it does not touch the trees.
J: See if you wrote about that I would still tune in.

Thus we see the foils of mankind. Being able to add or delete friends on a whim. But do know that when it comes to judgement I will be able to say, "I thought it through, and I have deleted you with purpose, for it was right in mine eyes."

T: Thanks Jerk Face.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Talent Shows

I went to a campout last weekend where a talent show took place. The camp was at a really creepy place called "Zion's Camp" where there were different church sites miniaturized into little things. For instance you could go do archery at the Sacred Grove. Weee!

I've always been awesome at low key talent shows, and this one was no exception. If only talent shows were lauded by critics then I'd have something to go on. But for this talent show I got up and with a Where's Waldo book, I found Waldo. I did it on three pages.

It went over amazingly well, but what is usually the worst part of doing a talent show is that afterwards everyone who sees you refers to you as the defining characteristic of the talent. Like if I do "I will survive" I become I will survive guy. This time I became "Waldo". Thing is there is a good portion of the population who have no idea they are being dinks, take for instance a random passing, "Hey Waldo, where's your Waldo clothes?"

To this type of person I decided to destroy the dream for, "Can I tell you a secret? In my act I never did find Waldo, it was all a lie."

For those who actually paid attention to my name and said, "Hey Jon, I really liked your talent," I replied, "Thanks, I actually did find him, it was an enjoyable experience."

So be careful dinks of the world, I am out to destroy your dreams.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Helping Little Old Lady

I forgot to mention this but a couple of weeks back. Perhaps it was about 2 months ago. Back when I was still riding the bus daily. I was on my way to work and I was getting off at one of my stops which was a bus station. I got behind a little old lady and decided to take a moment instead of passing her to help her off the bus. It took about 20 seconds. 30 seconds after that I got to my next transfer and there was my bus ahead of schedule pulling out, I had missed it by 20 seconds and I knocked on the closed door to see if the bus driver would let me on (he was stuck from traffic and couldn't yet leave the station). He looked at me and shook his head no. I was late for work.

Moral: Never help old ladies.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Scary Dream

I had a dream last night that due to the popularity of the US television show "The Office", Ricky Gervais decided he needed to resurrect the British Office and make as many episodes as the US one. Luckily I woke up and realized he wouldn't do such a thing.

Screenplays I need to re-write

So my computer died recently and I lost the documents. So to remind myself here is the list of screenplays I wrote which i need to re-write at work.

Error

The Magic Bag

Zues

The Haircut