Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I'm Expendable

In my family we have three vehicles, one for my mom, one for my dad and one for me, when one of the cars needs to be serviced, I am the expendable one and lose my car. Our truck's clutch went out and usually it takes only a couple days to fix it, however the flu hit the guys at our garage, then they had to remodel one of their three stalls, then a fire caught in another one so they only had one open, then one of the guys in the shop broke his arm in a rock climbing accident which put them back even more, so finally on thursday my dad is going to use his sway to get a BYU car for the weekend, he has to use it for business so he's going on a business trip this week as well. So finally I will have the car back but only because there's no way I can go this weekend without it. Now as I haven't had a car for about two weeks now I find I have no life here in Orem, all my friends are in Salt Lake or Provo, I only have two good friends in Orem, my roommate and my neighbor. My roommate that is in that wonderful state of Love, you know, Love, the one that consumes your entire body and makes you a void. I never see him, which is fine, cause usually I have a car and can leave. Then my neighbor, who is awesome, but is also a workin man, and so is also gone quite a bit. This leaves me to myself in Orem with no friends. Some people have stopped by, but I feel so trapped without a means of getting anywhere, there is walking, but there's no one in walking distance, then there's the bus, which would be fine if I scheduled things and set them in a planner, but that also feels traping, and so I don't like doing that either, I like being able to call someone, say "Hey, you up for doing something? Cool I'll be right over."

I've been feeling very trapped and enclosed as of late.

The thing about me is, suppose you got this nifty new box, and it's lifesize, and you bring it over and say, "Hey, Have a go, check it out." So I get inside the box and then you trap me in but then say, "Now be careful cause I like this box and I don't want it to get broken." Well the second I feel enclosed I'm going to break the box, I don't like the feeling of being restricted. It kills me. So then I brake your box and you get mad at me, cause you told me you didn't want your box broken and all I had to do was have self discipline, but alas, I've broken your box.

I've looked at a couple of friendships where this specific thing happened, even when I told the person that it was exactly what I wanted, I would sabotage it myself and break out of the box because I didn't like the way it felt. Now this doesn't happen every time, but it does happen often. One way in which I feel trapped is in the hunting game. I'm not a hunter, I don't like hunting people but find that I end up becoming the hunter. When I am put in this mold of the hunter I break out. For instance, something I'll do quite often actually is I'll have this friendship, but it feels like I'm the only one putting forth any effort, so I'll suddenly say, "I'm not going to do anything, I'm going to wait until this person calls me or contacts me before I put forth another contact." I've lost friendships this way because the other person will not put forth any effort, they'll never call me or email me, they just expect me to do everything. Often I'll find out that they think it to be my fault, and maybe in a way it is, because I started out the friendship and almost made them understand that they were only a passenger. But I can't drive all the time. Probably about one fourth of you who are going to be reading this were put under this test, was there a good three month period where you didn't hear anything from me? Well it's probably cause I felt trapped as the hunter and decided I wouldn't talk to you until you put forth some effort.

I often say I'm looking for a needle in a haystack, and that's only partly true, as that needle is going to have to put forth some effort too.

There are of course exceptions to all these, those that are in relationships or getting married get one of those free pass cards where they can disappear for however much they want. Also the "guys", they're exempt from all these rules. Even when they're busy or I am, we can get together after not seeing each other for 3 months and things haven't changed, people often ask how we're all such good friends and it's mostly because that's our understanding. Oh yeah, and in the ever so critical first couple years, we didn't allow girls to interfere.

I'm going to go on a road trip next week, I'm not sure where yet, but it's just going to be me, I'm going to drive somewhere, spend the night then drive back, all by myself, to get away for a tiny bit and explore something new. Anyways, I just made a whole jumblaya full of thoughts, and it feels good to get them out as always. In conclusion, I really want my car back, and I never want to let go of a car ever again.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

The Mustache

It always confuses me when blogger can't seem to upload a 9 kb picture. Anyways, The Mustache is now available to watch at Bombdotcom.net, it's a movie we recently made. It was debuted at a cool film festival in Salt Lake City, while I was up there I really wanted to stay but knew obviously I had to go home. What i mean is I really want to move, I like change, and I want out of Utah Valley but unfortunatly have to be here for another year and a half at least. I feel almost constricted by staying here, though I love school right now I just wish it could be somewhere else. I think I'm going to try and spend more time up in SLC, it might get help me subside these feelings. I'm excited for Sundance to start up, my radio teacher is making a rubrick of all the movies to see and all the ones he'll be going to, so I'll probably end up seeing a bunch this year. I really want to rub elbows with more film makers in the area. Anyways, go check out The Mustache and let us know what you think. I am excited for the christmas break, I'm also curious to see my grades... :)

I just decided as I was doing my music review blog that I now really like the beta because I don't have to republish the blog when changing something in the html. Now I can update links quickly. :)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I made the switch

It took me a while but I finally just now made the switch from blogger to blogoogler. The biggest reason was that blogger seemed to put all it's emphasis into the google beta that they wouldn't fix any problems that arose with plain old blogger. I suddenly wasn't able to sign into my blogger account because I had my gmail open, I couldn't switch because I have a thirdmango account on gmail as well, even when I was only signed in as thirdmango in blogger it would require me on some blogs to log in with my google account. It just started getting ridiculous. So I was basically forced to move to keep blogger with any sort of sanity involved.

So I haven't updated as expected in the past two weeks mainly due to finals and what not, I only have one more final which is a take home and doesn't actually need to be sent until next week. I won't wait that long of course, but I will wait until i feel better. I hit a mini second run of the flu that's been going around on just about the worst day it could happen, the first day of finals. Luckily I was still able to get through it all without a hitch. The 4.0 may still happen though it's looking more like my best semester will end up as a 3.9 or a 3.8, but still that's pretty damn good. I am excited for next semester, I have most of my classes scheduled and I'm trying to see if I can still do rugby as well but I'm not sure. Once I have my official schedule I'll post it. Oh and my radio show is done, check in the next couple days for info on that.

I had the best chicken noodle soup of my life today, i got it from the Noodle Company in Orem, it was either the fact that I had been sick for two days and that was the only thing I was willing to eat, or perhaps it really was the best chicken noodle soup I've ever had, only another time at the wonderful eatery will decide that question.

My mind has been so clutered with school work the past two weeks that I haven't had sentient thought that could even be labled on this here blog, so hopefully as my brain comes back to me will I be more frequent. Heh.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Dreamscapes

I met the girl of my dreams the other night, unfortunatly I met her in my dreams. I've actually been having really cool dreams the past couple nights after having bad ones from being sick, I guess I was just due for some good ones. The best of which was the one where I met the girl of my dreams. She was perfect for me, and it was really weird because it was very clear and precise. I still remember exactly what she looks like, and she doesn't look like one of my friends now so it's not like I was putting on of them in place. She's short, spunky, with very short blond spikey hair. There were a bunch of details as well such as she was an art major, really liked Poker and was in the process of deciding which grad school to go to.

The thing is, I have very vivid dreams, even when they don't make any sense, my mind tricks me into thinking the dreams are real life. One of the other cool dreams I had was I was helping some pirates to rebuild their pirate ship, and all during it I thought it was real life, I have no concept of being in a dream while dreaming. So when I wake up it takes me a couple of seconds to realize I'm back in the real world. I was really bummed when I woke up and found out that girl was just a dream. Funny thing is I've had subsequent dreams with the same girl in it the past couple of nights including one where I ran into her, she said she recognized me, and then said, "You know this is going to sound weird but," and I interupted her by saying, "You dreamt about me the other night." She looked shocked and asked how I knew. Weird. I used to write down my dreams as my dreams always come out so interesting, maybe I oughta start that up again.

So with this dreams girl's face burned into my mind, I wonder if I will run into someone that looks like her. That would be a trip.